It is circles within circles, a sadness out of
control,” says one mother struggling to
raise her three children. Life can be hard
and it is normal to feel sad sometimes. Some
people experience depression as “nerves”
or “too much stress.” Others may have body
aches and pains or experience that they are
being visited by “unhappy spirits or ancestors.”
Whatever the words, if you are unable to
shake your sadness, you may be suffering
from depression. What’s most important is to
recognize that you are not alone and to find
others to talk to, others who can help you.
Depression is an illness that can range from
mild to severe. It can be very painful to live
with depression. It causes people to withdraw
from social contacts, from their children and
families, and even from the help that could
save them from years of suffering. Many
people do not know how to recognize or talk
about depression — yet it is one of the most
common mental illnesses that caregivers,
including parents, experience.
Yet there is every reason to be hopeful. In the
last 30 years, a great deal has been learned
about the causes of depression, its effects, and
what can be done about it. The encouraging
news is that depression is the most treatable
of the major mental illnesses. Depressed
parents can in fact be effective parents despite
depression. The challenge is that depression
goes largely unrecognized, is misunderstood,
and often goes untreated.
The hopeful news is that much can be done to
cope with depression. Simply talking it through
with a trusted friend or caregiver may help.
Keeping track of your moods can help, and so
can trying to do things that improve your mood
— exercise, spiritual practices, familiar routines
and rituals, even humor can all be helpful. More
formal treatments, whether delivered in health
centers or mental health centers, also work for
those who need it. Studies show that more than
60-70 percent of those who get treatment for
depression will get better.
Frequently Asked Questions
How Can I Help Myself?
• Learn more about the signs of
depression to figure out if they apply to
you and what you are feeling.
• Find out who you can talk to. Don’t feel
like you have to deal with your feelings
alone; talk to others about them. Share
this paper with someone you trust and
start a conversation. In some cultures, this
can be the hardest part, if you feel that
you are breaking a taboo or norm against
talking about your feelings.
• Reach out. Talk to a counselor, therapist,
doctor, minister, or other professional you
trust about getting help. Learn how to
see depression as an illness and talk to
someone about it.
• Get help. Reach out to your friends and
family to find community resources that
will work for you. For many, the primary
care doctor will be an important resource.
There are many types of treatment that
can be effective, such as talk therapy,
medication, changes in diet, or even
paying attention to other medical
problems (such as diabetes) that can put
you at risk for depression.
• Know that change takes time. In
exploring treatment options, choose
a mental health professional and an
approach to treatment that feels right
to you, and give it time to work. Monitor
what’s going on if you’re getting treatment
with a mental health professional. Talk
about what’s working and what’s not
working.
• Continue to try to be a good parent.
Remember that it’s possible, even with
feelings of sadness, to be a good parent.
Continue the routines that help your child.
We’ve described these in the short paper
The Ability to Cope: Building Resilience for
Yourself and Your Child.
How Do I Know If What I Feel Is
Depression?
Depression often occurs after difficult events
such as the loss of a loved one, moving to a
new community without supports, witnessing
community violence, or losing a job. Perinatal
depression may occur during pregnancy, right
after the birth of a child, or during the following
twelve months. Depression may look and feel
different for every person. Different cultures may
have different ways of describing depression,
and different words for it. Here are some signs
that may occur when someone is depressed:
• Unpleasant mood such as sadness,
anger, and tearfulness. Perhaps things
that normally would be minor annoyances
are very upsetting, such as a child spilling
food.
• Feelings: exhausted, forgetful,
disorganized, sad, full of rage, irritable,
hopeless, maybe empty or numb. You
may feel like you are “losing it” or feel
“overwhelmed.”
• Different physical sensations: Some
people describe a “heaviness” or pain in
their body or their heart. People who are
very depressed might hear voices or see
shadows that are not there.
• Thoughts: always seeing the bad side of
things, glass half empty, forgetting positive
qualities, not feeling good about one’s
self, or “getting stuck.” Other symptoms
include harsh self-criticism, feelings of
worthlessness, and thoughts like “No
one likes me. They may think I am a bad
person/mother/father.”
Depression may affect the ways we commonly
behave or do things in daily life
• Forgetting appointments, details, or
follow-up tasks.
• Difficulty making decisions, even about
simple things like what to have for dinner.
• Sleeping more or less than usual, having
a hard time getting out of bed, having
trouble falling asleep, waking up early in
the morning and not being able to get
back to sleep.
• Eating more or less than usual with
noticeable weight gain or loss.
• Self-medicating behaviors, including
drug or alcohol use, as a way to numb out
sorrow or pain.
• Isolating behaviors such as withdrawing
from friends and family; wanting to be
alone; thinking people do not want your
company; having a harder time using the
supports that are available, such as your
child’s early care program.
• Emotional outbursts, like yelling or crying,
then feeling guilty about “taking things out”
on the children or others.Not being able
to get things done like shopping, cleaning,
getting meals on the table or the kids ready
for their day. Not having energy to take a
shower, wear clean clothes, or do your hair.
• Not being able to get things done like
shopping, cleaning, getting meals on the
table or the kids ready for their day. Not
having energy to take a shower, wear clean
clothes, or do your hair.
• Not enjoying things that used to make
you feel good like a hobby, time with the
kids, family get-togethers, or sexual intimacy
with your partner.
Some people with severe depression
might have thoughts about ending their
lives. If you or someone you know is
having these thoughts, call 911 or go
or take them to an emergency room
immediately.
Can My Depression Affect My
Children?
While it’s true that you can be a good parent
while struggling with depression, it is also true
that children are sensitive to their parents’
moods and behaviors. Many children are able
to grow up healthy and strong even when living
with a parent who suffers from depression.
Some infants of depressed parents may show
high levels of distress and may avoid eye
contact with their caregivers. Some toddlers and
preschool children of depressed parents may
cry easily, act aggressively, have more tantrums,
get easily frustrated, or have problems sleeping
and eating. Some older children may have
a hard time controlling themselves, become
withdrawn, or find it hard to make friends.
Depression may affect your child in these ways,
but it’s important to know that there are things
that you can do to counteract the effects, and
with help you and your children can do well
despite parental depression. There is every
reason to be hopeful.
How Can I Help My Family?
The following suggestions can help parents
recovering from depression to help their
children as well as themselves. Many parents
begin with one of the following suggestions. By
making even a simple change, you are helping
the people you love.
• Take care of yourself as an important part
of taking care of your family.
• Talk to your family about your depression
and make sure they know the illness is not
their fault. Use words that make sense in
your culture. Be ready to talk about it more
than once in words that young children
can understand. It often takes time for
families and children to understand this
sensitive subject.
• Provide a safe, consistent and secure
environment for your child. Routines and
guidance help children feel safe. Make
sure your child attends school every day
and enroll him or her in quality after-
school activities. Predictable routines
about meals, bedtime and other times of
the day are important and reassuring.
• Help your child with the appropriate
challenges he or she faces in their early
care program or school.
• Read to your child, talk to your child, sing
with your child, and encourage activities
where your child enjoys learning.
• Encourage your child’s relationships with
his or her friends and other caring adults.
• Use your resources. Ask a partner,
friend, or relative for help in watching
your child or with transportation to school
or activities. Find out more about the
resources available to you through your
child’s early care program.